There is not even a single person on this universe I am close to right now. I have friends, so many that people sometimes get jealous of me but none od=f them is so close that it feels perfect.
I hate myself for being so patient with people I love .. thats leads them to take me for granted. Time to say good bye to some people.

There are very few people apart from my family who matter to me so much that even if they dont give a shit about me I can not see them cry. Sad situation. Sucks.

Jinxed

My blog title talks abt positive chi and passion but the truth is there's some jinx acting up right now. I have been having fights over practically nothing with my closest buddies. college friends, blogger friends, School friends everyone has suddenly turned against me. Everyone suddenly is finding me cold. People who matter the most are going away from me because of reasons like misunderstandings, marriage or THEIR mood swings!

This phase sucks man. Seriously! My closest (no two people can get closer than that emotionally) friend stopped talking to me sudddenly out of the blue. He and his weird mood swings. He gave me no reasons, just got sick of the over-expressive me! That's exactly the reason why I dont express a lot. And that is why I come across as a cold hearted person to so many people including some people in my family. no body actually knows how badly I need to show all the love I have been holding inside me to someone. I act all cool and tomboyish but I m a die hard romantic. I seriously need to vent all the feelings out now.

My love life's going no where.

Another friend- college friend- I and neha have been so close with perfect understanding. But things arnt going well with her too. I hate this seriously!
I have been getting such cold and negative vibes from her. Its been three years since I left home and came to delhi. I have changed totally- Looks, Dressing sense, Outlook, Maturity level but one thing that hostel and Delhi have not been able to change about me is that I still cant stand people who are 2 faced. If you hate me pls show me. Dont act all like HIEEEE in front of me..and say damn she's so irritating as I turn my back! And I have been finding exactly such people around me. And I really fear becoming like them.

Then arushi, my another great college friend, we had an argument today over nothing. And the worst is I apologised with little fault of mine. I hate myself for giving up my self respect every time it comes to realtions. I really really hate myself for ALWAYS aways being the first one to initiate. I want to scream out loud. Argh, Go to hell!!

Neha hates arushi and bitches big time abt her. But since both are very close to me I have never really told any of it to arushi and I have always defended her in front of neha. But neha is the kind who always manages to maintain a 'goody' image where as I am the last person who can pass a fake smile. And today the situation is arushi thinks I suck and neha is her bestest friend. Argh.
I thought Jatin was my soul mate- we could talk for hours abt anything and everything. But I lately discovered that He is a sadist when it comes to me. He has been really discouraging me abt Google and I can not stand people saying anything against it.

My bestie has been hinting that I am fake. We tell everything to each other.. everything means EVERYTHING but We still love each other a lot. We hardly judge each other. But lately I have been feeling that its not the same with him . I have been getting weird vibes from him indicating I am a hypocrite. And when people go away from me I generally dont stop them- I let them go without letting them know the hurt and the pain it'l take to get over them.

A school friend Smita thinks I am very cold and never have time for her. Its been my fault through out and I know that. But I have always been so stuck up in some thing or the other and unfortunately she always wanted me when I was in the middle of sth else. So she hates me too now.

I have driven everyone away.

I hate this man. I am feeling so weak right now. When I express I repel people, when I dont I still repel them and it seems impossible for me to maintain a balance- hat is control my emotions ''only to some extent'' I can not do it. Either I can show and say EVERYTHING I feel or I wont tell you a word no matter how much I love or hate you. I can not give politically correct answers. I can not pass fake smiles. I can not give superficial reactions to please you. I know I hurt people by being too honest at times. But trust me I have tried being politically correct- I felt effing suffocated so I just gave up.
I need a break from all this now. Can not take it any more. Its five thirty in the morn and I can not sleep cuz of all the non sense going on in my life.
I really need some love right now! I cant believe I m actually writing all this after making my blog public but whatever! I dont care anymore. Everything's going wrong anyway.

I think I need to change my ways and means a bit. I need to become diplomatic. Bipul is right- I really need to start becoming less blunt all the time. Mayank is right- We should never share everything with the person we want in our lives.
I m missing something in life right now- I can not figure out what. * guys have asked me out in the past 6 months but I have turned down everyone. I have no idea what I m looking for. What will satisfy me? What the hell will make me happy?
And This bad luck needs to leave me now. I want all my friends back!! People should never get married, people should never have a repulsion from over expression, Friends should be like family-never leaving you.
Its so amn hard to say goodbyes for me.
:( This sucks.
I need a hug man!! A genuine one!! :(

I'm back!

I’ve missed blogging! I have missed you people. Come on gimme a group hug guys! :)
I have been very busy and too lazy to write but trust me I have been reading many of your posts. I hardly ever commented on them though mostly because I dint feel like or was too lazy or dint want to come back to check your replies.
But anyway now I am back! :D

I mean i m making my blog public now :) I still have to adjust the font and colour of the header and all that!

Blogging has given me so much – it has given me friends for ever, friends for a season, friends who could guide me through my career choices, friends who stood by me when I was as good as being dead, friends who used to wake me up in the morning and scolded me every time I was online during exams. Friends who take me shopping, take me on photography expeditions, who talk to me at 3 in the morn just becaue I feel like talking and take my mood swings. Hell, I m so thank ful for so much. But well, sounds cliché but true, blogging has given me tough times too. Taught me how not to ever help anyone falto main, how not to be always miss goody, and how to deal with bitches and dogs, not give a shit about them. How not to bother yourself when some one spreads rumours about you, how not to get crried away when some one says ‘oh baby I love you so much’. How to have a huge fight with a blogger friend’s girl friend (yeah!! :D) and lose your friend (yeah :( ) and still not give a shit and go make yourself feel allright consciously and attend an awesome concert the same day :D

Blogging has been one hell of a journey. And I have thoroughly enjoyed every single scream throughout this ride.

Looking forward to more such thrills.
Keep posting :)

I wanted them forever

The Season of losing friends thus begins.

The nice guy (Not)

He wanted her to get physical. She refused. Obviously.

”I don’t think I will be comfortable even wid hugging n kissing”she thought. “how will I face my future husband then? I will die of guilt! No,absolutely not! Out of question.”

He- you cant even see how much I m sacrificing for this! And I m not even asking for sex. You cant sacrifice even your guilty feelings for me? Relationships are all about how much you sacrifice. I m sacrificing everything. You re not doing even a bit. And you say you love me. Cant you do even this for my happiness?

(oh yea right! She wanted to not say much. She wanted to be very precise and specific and not un necessarily get senti and say the emotional shit. She was forcing herself to learn how to not get senti and only use and throw the way guys had been doing with her all her life. It felt like an exercise for making her emotionally strong. She hoped this exercise helped her learn how not to take every a-hole with innocent eyes and buttering smile seriously!)

She -I m sorry but I cant. Really. I m sorry.

(she was trying to be short and precise as I said. Actually she just wanted him to break up. She was growing bored of his non sense. “Let me see what he says”. She wanted him to say “alright then lets break up”)

He- not even a bit. You cant compromise even a bit? Please. For me. For us. Nothing major. Don’t take your clothes off. Just the shirt? Please. This isn’t too much…

(Holy crap.
”We are actually negotiating how many clothes I am going to let him take off . Wtf. A- hole “. She was trying not to give him any reactions. And just behave calmly. Like she was totally unaffected.)

She-I m sorry. Very sorry.

He- not even the shirt?

She- No.

(she wanted him to stop blurting out non sense at this point and that is why she sent him a no, a plain NO.
She was hoping he will not reply back. But he did.)

He- just a few buttons? At least let me feel your body from above your clothes.

(WHAT!)

She- not possible. I am sorry.

(she felt so cheap. She was actually replying to him. Damn. )

He- you make me feel small. Its like I love you so much, but you don’t even a bit. You fell cold hearted to me.

(“loves me? And so much? yea right. We havnt even seen each other. Met online just 3 days ago!”)

She- I am sorry. Dint mean to come across as a cold hearted one but I am sorry.

He- the worst thing is you re not even trying to make it up to me. Perhaps you don’t even care.

She- yaar I dunno how to explain. The last thing I would want to do is to hurt you. If my response is coming across as a very rude one I m sorry, this is what the truth is. I cant get physical.

He dint reply after that. And obviously she dint give a damn and this time surprisingly and genuinely. “Okay honey great. You are finally growing up. You are finally learning.” She applauded silently)

Later that evening she tried to break up with him. But he dint.

(“Okay fine, Lets see whats in store.” She thought.
She just wanted to learn what they mean when they say “timepass”. She was desperate to move out of her fantasies of goody-goody world of serious relationships where she only ended up getting deeply hurt to the other side with casual hook ups. She wanted to learn how to use and throw the way people had been doing with her. She wanted to get immune to all the non sense mushy talk cuz every time a guy hurt her every one thought that atleast now she would learn but she never could.)

She wanted to learn. Genuinely. And this time- finally.


P.S.-after a few days they finally broke up. She reminded him what an a-hole he had been. He apologized. He was a 'nice' guy afterall!:-)

PPS- I wrote this way back in feb 2009. Posting it now.

Judgements

Every harsh person is not an enemy and every sweet talker is not a friend.

I once read somewhere- Ever saint has a past and ever sinner has a future.