Jinxed

My blog title talks abt positive chi and passion but the truth is there's some jinx acting up right now. I have been having fights over practically nothing with my closest buddies. college friends, blogger friends, School friends everyone has suddenly turned against me. Everyone suddenly is finding me cold. People who matter the most are going away from me because of reasons like misunderstandings, marriage or THEIR mood swings!

This phase sucks man. Seriously! My closest (no two people can get closer than that emotionally) friend stopped talking to me sudddenly out of the blue. He and his weird mood swings. He gave me no reasons, just got sick of the over-expressive me! That's exactly the reason why I dont express a lot. And that is why I come across as a cold hearted person to so many people including some people in my family. no body actually knows how badly I need to show all the love I have been holding inside me to someone. I act all cool and tomboyish but I m a die hard romantic. I seriously need to vent all the feelings out now.

My love life's going no where.

Another friend- college friend- I and neha have been so close with perfect understanding. But things arnt going well with her too. I hate this seriously!
I have been getting such cold and negative vibes from her. Its been three years since I left home and came to delhi. I have changed totally- Looks, Dressing sense, Outlook, Maturity level but one thing that hostel and Delhi have not been able to change about me is that I still cant stand people who are 2 faced. If you hate me pls show me. Dont act all like HIEEEE in front of me..and say damn she's so irritating as I turn my back! And I have been finding exactly such people around me. And I really fear becoming like them.

Then arushi, my another great college friend, we had an argument today over nothing. And the worst is I apologised with little fault of mine. I hate myself for giving up my self respect every time it comes to realtions. I really really hate myself for ALWAYS aways being the first one to initiate. I want to scream out loud. Argh, Go to hell!!

Neha hates arushi and bitches big time abt her. But since both are very close to me I have never really told any of it to arushi and I have always defended her in front of neha. But neha is the kind who always manages to maintain a 'goody' image where as I am the last person who can pass a fake smile. And today the situation is arushi thinks I suck and neha is her bestest friend. Argh.
I thought Jatin was my soul mate- we could talk for hours abt anything and everything. But I lately discovered that He is a sadist when it comes to me. He has been really discouraging me abt Google and I can not stand people saying anything against it.

My bestie has been hinting that I am fake. We tell everything to each other.. everything means EVERYTHING but We still love each other a lot. We hardly judge each other. But lately I have been feeling that its not the same with him . I have been getting weird vibes from him indicating I am a hypocrite. And when people go away from me I generally dont stop them- I let them go without letting them know the hurt and the pain it'l take to get over them.

A school friend Smita thinks I am very cold and never have time for her. Its been my fault through out and I know that. But I have always been so stuck up in some thing or the other and unfortunately she always wanted me when I was in the middle of sth else. So she hates me too now.

I have driven everyone away.

I hate this man. I am feeling so weak right now. When I express I repel people, when I dont I still repel them and it seems impossible for me to maintain a balance- hat is control my emotions ''only to some extent'' I can not do it. Either I can show and say EVERYTHING I feel or I wont tell you a word no matter how much I love or hate you. I can not give politically correct answers. I can not pass fake smiles. I can not give superficial reactions to please you. I know I hurt people by being too honest at times. But trust me I have tried being politically correct- I felt effing suffocated so I just gave up.
I need a break from all this now. Can not take it any more. Its five thirty in the morn and I can not sleep cuz of all the non sense going on in my life.
I really need some love right now! I cant believe I m actually writing all this after making my blog public but whatever! I dont care anymore. Everything's going wrong anyway.

I think I need to change my ways and means a bit. I need to become diplomatic. Bipul is right- I really need to start becoming less blunt all the time. Mayank is right- We should never share everything with the person we want in our lives.
I m missing something in life right now- I can not figure out what. * guys have asked me out in the past 6 months but I have turned down everyone. I have no idea what I m looking for. What will satisfy me? What the hell will make me happy?
And This bad luck needs to leave me now. I want all my friends back!! People should never get married, people should never have a repulsion from over expression, Friends should be like family-never leaving you.
Its so amn hard to say goodbyes for me.
:( This sucks.
I need a hug man!! A genuine one!! :(